D and I are not quite thirteen months apart. For many years growing up we were asked if we were twins. I don't have many childhood memories that he's not a part of. Don't get me wrong, I have many memories of us fighting like cats and dogs, but around our teenage years we were able to become great friends, best friends... There's not much I wouldn't do for him and he has been there for me more times than I can count, or probably remember. My Grandma has told me over the years that in our early days together I would boss the poor kid around something fierce. Hmmm, yeah, that sounds like me! No matter how many times we moved, no matter what we did, we were together. In High School I would make him dance with my friends at school dances. We worked together for years at a local pizza parlor. We even lived together for a couple years after he graduated! I would be asked all the time if we were real brother and sister. People would question whether we had the same mom and dad. Well, without any medical testing, according to our birth certificates we do! Even at times, as grown-ups, that we have lived apart we have always stayed close.
I can't imagine anyone in the world that I just know as well as my own brother. I know how he thinks, I know what he's feeling. We're the oddest set of "twins" you could ever meet.
So how am I doing dealing with the idea of his leaving? I am not thinking about it as much as possible... Don't get me wrong, I fully support the decisions by brother makes. The most important thing to me is that he is happy and healthy. I'm not counting down to the saddest day of my life, I am trying to be happy for his newest adventure. But that's difficult to do when I think about the fact that I can't call him whenever I want. For the last six years we have worked together for my dad's company. I talk to him every... single... day. Sure, we have our moments, we are siblings... And sometimes I get annoyed that he will call me on his drive from one job to the other, just so he is doing something, but I will miss even that when he is gone. When it's five o'clock and he is driving from somewhere in the East Bay (over the hill) to get home in time for dinner or to see his son's game or practice and he's talking my ear off about whatever he can think of so that his "commute" isn't quite so lonely. What will he do without me? What will I do without him? He listens much better than I do. He rarely tries to offer up advise that he knows I won't follow, unless asked... I feel like I'm a bad sister, like I don't listen enough, like I'm not there for him the way he is always there for me. I've always been the one that offers the unwanted advise. I've tried to just listen, to not need to hear myself so much.
But I'm going to miss him. A lot. And he's not as good at picking up the phone when he's not making a lonely commute. He doesn't do email so well. I've known him almost my whole life, all of his... There is no one that knows me better than he does. And I doubt anyone will ever know me like he does.
I'm going to be the "big" sister though. I'm going to be the tough-ass that he knows me to be. The one that might cry in front of him, but that is hard as stone around everyone else. I will keep that stiff-upper-lip and show my support and be proud of him when I have to say good-bye.
And he will always be my best friend...
Oh this is so hard, Heidi. I'm praying you through it!
ReplyDelete(And... ADORABLE picture!!!)