Stepping back...

I can't imagine anyone that hasn't been affected by the elementary school shooting on 12/14/12.  To be honest, all I can keep imagining are Christmas trees standing over piles of presents that will never be opened.  Perhaps this is too simple or frivolous a picture to paint, but it has continued to bring tears to my eyes over the last few days.
We want to blame someone.  We all want there to be an answer, a truth, a way to make it "understandable."  It never will be though.  As we all start to go back to our own lives, go back to our own holidays, or own troubles, we will continue to hear about who's to blame.  And have you picked a side?
Are you on the side of those that believe it is all about gun control?  It's violence in the media or entertainment world?  It's bullies?  It's mental health?  It's God?  It's the devil?  At the end of the day does it matter?  Will it bring any of them back?  No.  Nothing we do or say will change what has been broken.
So where do we go from here?
I'll tell you, the minute I heard about it I have to admit I wished that heartless piece of crap hadn't shot himself so that he could be pushed through the justice system.  No matter what I read, I can't have sympathy for him.  I refuse to use his name, I refuse to ever acknowledge his name.  I will not give him infamy for something so offensive.
I read this article and I stopped and really thought about the whole thing...
I will ask, that we all show a little respect and compassion for those that have lost their lives, those that gave their lives, those that were left to clean up, and those that may never heal.
In life we all need to show a bit more compassion, and much more tolerance.  More important, we just need to pay better attention and to look for ways to help those that cannot help themselves.
Was he and so many other murders victims to mental illness?  Maybe.  Does it matter now?  Not for them, but perhaps for someone else.
I am a child of divorce.  I am a child of drug abusive and alcohol abusive family members.  There have been times in my life that I simply no longer wanted to exist, much younger than you may even imagine.  There have been times that I have wanted to hurt other people both verbally and physically.  There have been times that I have hurt other people both verbally and physically.  So what makes me different?  Why haven't I shot up a school, a movie theater, a mall?  Why haven't I downed a bottle of pills or slit my wrist?  I wish I could tell you.  I wish there was something I could say that would be this magical light switch and we could solve all the worlds problems.  I don't have an answer.
Some say it could be my family.  Even in the worst of times, I have always had family to support me in some way.  Some might say my faith.  Were those others just not give a moral compass on their way into this world?
I am learning to see myself in my daughter, perhaps that is where I will start.  At two-and-a-half she's got my temper, my need to be right, my need to be heard.  I see an uncontrollable girl, wild in some ways.  Do I think she's capable of hurting others?  Yes, I do.  Do I think I can teach her how not to hurt others?  Yes, I do.  I think she is at a time in her life that she is trying to be heard and learning how to communicate.  I don't think she is a heartless creature, I think she understands the concept of love.  So I will continue to teach her.  I will teach her that she will not always get her way, that in love we will always get hurt and that strength comes from waking up each morning, looking in the mirror and saying "I'm going to be the best me I can be today."  I will teach her that we don't hurt others to make ourselves feel better because it really doesn't work.  I will teach her to look for the wonder and magic in every little thing in life, and as I also teach her sister, I will ask for both of their help, that they continue to teach each other throughout their lives.
It is not just about being a good or bad parent.  I will admit, if my kids grow up to be "bad" people, I will take full responsibility.  I understand there are true mental disabilities out there, ones that may not even be diagnosed, ones that maybe there is no help for yet, but that will never make me feel less responsible for the actions of the people I have created.
For those parents that have children with these uncontrollable, un-diagnosed, no-treatment-available conditions, I will continue to hope and pray that someday help will be available, that those children will grow up and be able to be functional, even happy, adults.  Until that time, be conscious of your neighbors, of strangers, of whatever.
And hug your loved ones just a little bit closer.

September Daybook

Outside my window...

Well, the weather man says mid-eighties but it has been feeling a bit warmer to me.  Not that I go outside much but, I'm just sayin'.  We have had some pretty late-summer days though!

I am thankful...

To be able to be thankful for the little things in life.  Life can be rough, it throws us some curve-balls at times.  I am thankful that I am a glass-half-full kinda gal!  And for all the babies!!!  The ones that have been long waited for, the ones that are tiny little miracles and bring joyful smiles!

I am thinking about...

Too many things to list...

Learning all the time...
Why exactly did I teach my two-year-old to read?  Today she asked for the Bit-O-Honey that Daddy left on the table.  She's never even had a Bit-O-Honey!!!  I'm thankful she still doesn't know what we are talking about when we spell words out loud but she comes at me every day with a new word she points out, words I never would have thought to tell her!  We are also learning how to communicate with said two-year-old.  And learning everyday how quickly these girls are growing up.

From the kitchen...
Ugh, I have a kitchen?  Thinking about making tacos tonight!  The other day I put together mac-and-cheese from scratch!  Big Sister, who now goes by the nickname BeeBug, loves watching cooking shows with me!  Every day after nap she asks to watch "a cooking show" but mostly asks for "Giana" (Meaning Giada).  I only watch Giada and Barefoot Contessa with her, they are soft-speaking, easy to watch shows that stay low-key.

I am creating...
Does thinking about creating count?  I am creating a game plan!  A very special nephew asked me to make him a Captain America Costume, I've been making lots of notes and gathering supplies!  Since none of the pattern companies have jumped on the superhero market, I'll be making this costume from scratch!  It will me my first costume/apparel pattern for a child and with so much detail!  I'm very excited and nervous too!  Also going to be making a Rapunzel costume for BeeBug including a lovely yarn headband with braid!  And for Baby Sister, also known in our house as Bullfrog, she will be Rapunzel's trusty sidekick Pascal!  If I have time, maybe a costume for me, then on to my Christmas sewing!

I am working on...
So many things, organization, patience, completing tasks...  Too many things...

I am going...
To, um, I don't even know...  I going to feed kids, change diapers, do laundry, work on dishes...  You know, live the glamorous life, right?

I am hoping...
That at some point I will have the kitchen counter cleared for 24 hours!

I am reading...
Well, I'm not reading as much as I'd like, but I am working on reading more!  At least to my kids...  My cousin inspired me!  You can read about it here...  I'm not really putting a number to paper on this one.  We're just running with it.  For now, it's one book before bed.  Nothing too long, not ready for chapter books quite yet...  I think it's helping with at least a bedtime wind-down.

I am praying...
That these elections are over soon!  No, really, I'm tired of them and I am skimming so many Facebook posts now because I do not want to be caught up in the drama of it all!  Otherwise it's all the norm.

I am hearing...
Kids radio and BeeBug playing with toys.

Around the house...
Things...  Hubby got a job so it has been a lot more of me and the girls!  Chores have slowed way down.  What can you do with two working parents, one of which also takes care of the kids?  We have come to the understanding that there will be dishes and laundry that will always need to be done, but at least if things are picked up a bit by the end of the day it makes for smoother sailing into the next day.

One of my favorite things...

Being able to work from home.  Sure, there are days that I just want to be one of those mom's that drops the kids off and goes to work, but on days like today, where Bullfrog isn't feeling well, I'd have to be home with her anyway!  So I will take the good with the bad on that one.

A few plans for the rest of the week...
Birthday party on Saturday!  Can't wait to see my oldest (known-him-my/his-whole-life) friend and his family to celebrate his oldest child!

Random thought...
SongPop...  My newest Facebook/App obsession!  I can't get enough!

Here are picture thoughts I am sharing with you....

Best Advise I Ever Heard...

It wasn't advise I was being given, it was advise someone gave to another person, I just happened to hear it... I used to go to "meetings". You know, the Anonymous type? Don't get it twisted, I was a teenager that didn't drink or smoke or do drugs, but I was the black sheep. Honestly I still am. You may not remember but back in the 80's there was a commercial with a kid in his room and the dad walks in with the kids "stash" and the kid says "I learned it from YOU dad." Well, even as a kid I thought that commercial was crap. I decided early on I wasn't going to be a statistic. If we were being taught to resist peer-pressure I always knew that started at home. I remember being about eight and thinking "I never want to grow up to be like my parents."  And in many ways, I didn't...
But I did go to meetings.  I at first I liked the meetings.  I was 12 or 13 and I was so inspired by these people turning their lives around.  I didn't understand a lot back then.  I didn't fit in with the kids that went to Alateen... Those poor kids!  My parents weren't bad, they never hit us or "abused" us!  They just did what they did.  Best line I ever heard in a movie?  

"we're alcoholics. We're generally satisfied just to hurt ourselves." Where the Heart Is. No line in any movie ever said more. But I digress...

So, after the meetings a lot of people would go out for coffee or something and I remember one night after a meeting a lady had been talking about her problems with her daughter. You see, not every daughter is as enlightened as myself at such a young age! (evil grin) She was telling us that one night she was at the end of her rope, she had no idea what to do, so she called her sponsor. The sponsor told her to "Pick up your socks." I'm not sure what that lady thought about that response but even at 12 or 13 I thought it was GENIUS!

 At some point I started getting mad at that whole system though. I got really mad really fast. You see, "they" would tell me to blame the drugs, blame the alcohol for the things my parents or grandparents did... As if the drugs or alcohol got into them all on its own! As an individual we make decisions about what we want to do, who we want to be. I didn't want to be that person, I wasn't going to be a sheep. I own my crap. I have always pulled up my own socks. Things get hard, I pull up my socks. I hit a mental wall, I pull up my socks.

The best advise I can ever give you (even if you're not asking) is to PULL UP YOUR SOCKS.

And that's my thing.  It's why I'm a "black sheep".  You see, I didn't turn to drugs or alcohol to get away from my "problems".  Sure, I've never turned down a donut either!
(giggle)

But I do keep pulling up my socks...

Please Take A Minute...

On April 20, 2007 I began this email that I never finished or sent (back then I had no idea about blogging!):

What happened at Virginia Tech was a terrible tragedy. I don't agree with the publication of the video and photos that this murder created either. We are giving these psychos more ammunition by giving them their 15 minutes of fame!

So, who do we blame? Who is going to be punished for this horrible crime that has affected so many lives? Me? I blame myself, a little. I blame myself for every time I treated a stranger poorly just because I was in a bad mood. I blame myself for cutting off the old people that are not driving fast enough, and for cursing at the younger people for cutting me off. I blame myself for not saying "Hello. How are you?" enough. I blame myself for ignoring people that may have need my help, or even just my attention.

It's not ok to shoot people. It's not ok to make fun of people, nor is it ok to talk down to people, but at least that can be taken back. Do we punish the children that make fun of other kids in school? Do we punish the ignorant people that are racist or sexist because that is how they were raised? How do we stop these people from thinking that killing mean people is ok? I was made fun of when I was little. I was too fat, I was too blond, I was too dumb, I was too smart. Do I kill people? No. Do I want to? Maybe sometimes I would like to think about causing someone else physical pain, but I never really would. Do I mean to be mean? Not usually, but sometimes I am anyway.

So, what do we do? Don't tell me that we need to ban guns, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, "GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE!!! PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE!!!!!!" So, what do we do?

How many shootings have we had since then?  How many crazy events.  It's strange to think that 9/11 hadn't even happened yet.

And 7/20/12, another shooting.  Another random act of senseless violence.  I even saw one report assuring the readers that it was confirmed the shooter was not affiliated with any terrorist group.  Seriously?  He was a terrorist.  He shot up a theater full of unarmed people!

So, what do we do?

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.  I'm going to hug my kids just a little bit more.  I am going to tell people I love them a bit more often.  I'm going to work hard not to cause extra nonsense.  I'm going to work on my patience.  I'm going to stay vigilant about keeping my guard up.  I am going to continue to be ridiculously aware of my surroundings.  I'm going to continue to keep those that were affected by this tragedy in my thoughts.  I'm going to change the channel when they put that terrorist on t.v.  I am not going to Google him.  I'm not going to wish him ill.  I am going to simply not give him his 15 seconds.

When you read this, please remember to not give people 15 seconds of fame for doing something so deplorable.  Instead, focus on the kid down the street that is staying in school and out of trouble.  Focus on the husband and wife that are still together light years past any Hollywood couple.  Focus on the parents that discipline their children with a strong voice and (maybe even sometimes) a firm hand.

I was not raised to take out my anger on others.  Does it happen?  Absolutely.  Do I regret it later.  Yes, I do.  But if I am mean to someone, say things I may not mean, at least I know I can go back later and say I'm sorry.  And that they are still around to forgive me.

Take a minute today.  A minute of silence for those that have lost their lives.  Whether a life was lost from natural causes or an untimely and tragic incident, there is always someone that mourns.  Take a minute to appreciate the little things.  Take a minute to acknowledge what someone else did to make the day better.

Wordless Wednesday 7/18/2012

Can you tell which baby is Samantha and which is Evangeline?

7/1/2012 Daybook

Outside my window...

It has been a beautiful weekend!  A bit on the warm side but not hot enough to make me worried that work will be a nightmare!  That's always nice when it's a four-day work week!

I am thankful...

For the doctors that are taking such good care of a friend and her (just over a) week-old baby!  Hopefully they will be able to bring him home for the first time any day!

I am thinking about...

Not being such a slacker!

Learning all the time...
Still working on those words with Big Sister!  I'm not so worried that she needs to be advanced, I just want to encourage her to continue learning.

From the kitchen...
Crazy week has not given me a lot of time in the kitchen.  I did make this recipe for beef stroganoff for mom's birthday dinner!  And make her a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting as per her request.  I did decide that if I am ever given the opportunity to take a class on butchery, I will gladly pay any price!  Trimming meat is my least favorite part of cooking but I just can't not try!

I am creating...
A couple of 4th of July outfits for my girls and a guitar strap for my dad!

I am working on...
Not bashing in my embroidery machine...  I guess I shouldn't give it so much of a break, now it thinks it only has to do one design and then gets another month off!

I am going...
To dad's, for 4th of July!

I am hoping...
That Baby Sister starts sleeping through the night a bit better and maybe for finding some sewing time?

I am reading...
A few emails, a few blogs...  Haven't had much time for reading still.

I am praying...
Same old stuff, babies, mommies, friends and family.  For my brother who just started "jump school" and is suffering from a foot injury.  May he "sail" through it!

I am hearing...
Embroidery machine, radio, hubby doing dishes.

Around the house...
Cleaning, sewing, watching movies with the girls!


One of my favorite things...

Hanging out with my crazy two-year-old and impromptu garage sale-ing with mom!

A few plans for the rest of the week...
Work, dad's on the 4th, Big Sister has dance class this week and hoping for hubby to have a second interview this week!

Random thought...
Here is what I posted on Facebook earlier today:
So, like any red-blooded American, I do my best thinking in the bathroom. Brushing my teeth, brushing my hair, today it was while I was taking a shower... And no, I save all my praying for when I'm on the toilet.
My thought for the day? That the movie Toy Story Three is about the whole "end of days" we hear about in the Christian Church, but with a bit of an exception. Let me explain...
Andy represents God. We are Andy's toys. Eventually Andy is going to go to college and his mom is going to tell him to clear out his room. Andy's favorite toys will end up in the attic and the rest will be boxed up for daycare! Of course, in the end, Andy doesn't end up putting his toys in the attic but instead gives them to a little girl to keep, so I'm gonna call that re-incarnation!
You see! God is not a mean child, he's just a Disney Character!!! And re-incarnation really DOES exist.

Here are picture thoughts I am sharing with you....

6/24/2012 Daybook

Outside my window...

It's cool, a little windy, absolutely lovely!  We had a heat wave last week which was great for business but caught us a bit off guard as we had a few other very big jobs during the week.  To say that work kicked my but would be an understatement.  But I'm all for the weather heating back up again soon!

I am thankful...

For so many things.  For forgiving and understanding family.  For a friends baby that although was born with some health scares seems to be doing great!  And for getting to just spend time with my kids.

I am thinking about...

Next week at work.  That is the only thing about this time of year, even on my days off I am thinking about the things that need to get done for the next week.

Learning all the time...
Oh boy are we!  So, I was reading with Big Sister last night, we have a pre-school book I bought a couple years ago, and she seemed to be reading the words.  I kind of thought maybe she wasn't because there were pictures next to a lot of the words and the color words were written in the color they represented.  Today I decided to test it out...

From the kitchen...
Thanks to the tough week we have been eating a lot of fast food lately.  Tonight we made breaded baked chicken, salt and pepper zucchini (straight off the vine!) and homemade macaroni and cheese!  I do like to cook, I just need to make more time for it.

I am creating...
Well, on the sewing desk is a couple of outfits for 4th of July...  I got some printed panels forever ago and never made them up.  I just happened to have two of them!  I've got one started and the other cut.  I'm even going to attempt to make my own bias binding!

I am working on...
Keeping up without stressing out and making myself sick.  I'm also working on not overbooking my dad and making him sick!

I am going...
To take Big Sister to her first official dance class on Monday!  Very excited about that, let me tell you!

I am hoping...
To actually finish the laundry and the dishes and to feel better by Monday.  What do you think?  Asking too much?

I am reading...
Work orders and invoices, very little else.  I am still trying to keep up with reading blogs but that seems to be distracting me from actually writing my own.  Not to mention keeping me from doing things to blog about!

I am praying...
For my cousin and her family, that her pregnancy goes smoothly.  For my friend while her son heals in the hospital, may it be quickly so they can bring him home soon!  For a dear friend that is not only dealing with radiation and chemo but who's wife is expecting their first bundle of joy.  For my cousins that will be heading off to college, the ones that are currently living their grown-up lives, for my family in general.  And for my little brother and his family, that as their adventures are just beginning that the transitions are smooth.

I am hearing...
Baby Einsteins and giggling...  It's a good sound.

Around the house...
Mostly just a lot of napping!  Yes, we're trying to get things back in order, our front yard is looking less like a fire trap, our back yard will be able to be played in soon, the laundry...  Well, that may never get done.  And we'll just continue to call the kitchen a work in progress.  It's life.


One of my favorite things...

Snuggling with my girls.  Baby Sister has got to be the best hugging baby I have ever seen!  And Big Sister gets a treat on the weekends when she can cuddle up and take a nap with mommy!

A few plans for the rest of the week...
Work, dance, same-old thing!  Oh, wait!  There is a certain birthday girl at the end of this week, Mongi!

Random thought...
Why is it that it costs less to get a large pizza than it does to buy a salad?  I really need to take advantage of the fact that not only are we within walking distance of a grocery store, we are also close by the farmer's market on Saturday mornings!

Here are picture thoughts I am sharing with you....