How much do you weigh? No, seriously, you don't need to tell me... But let's think about this for a minute... How often do you weigh yourself? How much do you think you weigh vs. how much do you actually weigh? Are you "happy" with your weight, as if that is a real question! So, here it is... All my thoughts and current decisions about weight...
I am overweight. According to the doctor (and my Wii fit) I am actually obese. I come from a family of what I refer to as "bird people", small-boned women that are small of frame. Heck, I'm even taller than a few of my uncles! It is thanks to this that I have referred to myself as an "ogre" even before Shrek was cool! Even at my smallest weight, I have always been larger than most (if not all) of the women in my family. I thought I had accepted this and simply moved on from it. I have recently decided that I have not in fact moved on from that acceptance. Can anyone say for certain when or how things happen in life? Maybe not exactly, but here is my story of weight acceptance and denial...
I was the first born grandchild and at birth I was almost 10 pounds and almost two feet long. Dad loves to tell us (my brother was not much smaller) how the nurses had to cut holes in the bassinets for our heads and feet to stick through! I was the chubby kid, brother was the lanky one. By the time we were about five and six we were the same height and many people thought we were twins. Then, I kept being the chubby one and little brother kept getting taller and lankier... I remember my Nana making comments about me needing to stand up straighter and suck in my tummy. The benefit? I had great posture! The downside, I have been conscious of being "heavy" for a very. long. time.
Now I will bore you with a story I have told over and over again... I was about twelve, and mom brought home a gift from Nana for me. I opened the little box and found a plastic set of Minnie Mouse stud earrings and matching necklace. I WAS IN JR. HIGH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! There was no way I was going to wear that! I hated it! Now, please remember, I was a fat twelve-year-old. I wasn't spoiled, I was just an angry kid... Mom said to me "Save them. When you get to High School you can be whoever you want to be." I did not save them. Years later I wish I would have...
Jr High was spent trying to fit in and being fat. I went to three different schools due to moving. I just figured, "Look, you're going to be fat. There's nothing you can do. Get over it." I made some great friends in Jr High that actually made me feel like my weight didn't matter. I got over it.
Then a funny thing happened... The summer before I started High School my body changed. I wouldn't say I lost weight or that I got taller, but things seemed to move into the right directions. I went from wearing a size 14 to a size 8! (Disclaimer: I have now nor ever in my life desired to be less than a size 8. I have curves. I like my curves. The size of my dress/pants/clothes have never determined who I am in any way)
I really wished for that necklace and earrings about then... I dressed funny because I could! I wore pigtails and mis-matched my clothes! I had fun!!!
I liked me!
Sure, there were still people that let me know I was not the "perfect" weight. I'm sure it didn't help that my closest friend was a size 2! But I got my first training bra at eight years old. I had a rack and I didn't mind flaunting it now and again. OH! And I had a waist!!! No six-pack, that wasn't really in style back then. I did lots of sit-ups every night and jeeze, I loved my flat stomach!!! At seventeen I really liked who I was. Maybe because of the weight, maybe I liked my weight because I liked me? Who knows now...
Then there came the millions of reasons why I started gaining... They tell you that you'll gain weight after High School is out. They say if you're unhappy you will gain weight. Well, I gained. Only a little at first, isn't that always the way? And then I got lazy. That is what it boils down to in the end. Sure, I was unhappy. I had my moments of depression. We could mix in a bit of anger and frustration, but at the end of the day, it all boils down to comfortable and lazy.
I did lose some weight when I got braces at 23. Let me tell you, getting spacers put in is the best diet ever! You don't even want to look at food your teeth hurt so bad! I worked on my weight a bit, and lost a bit more. I still had to have my wedding dress let out but I managed a solid 10/12! And in the world of bridal, that's a 8/10! Then life takes over again and lazy set back in.
When I was pregnant with my daughter I did not gain a pound. In fact, when I went in to deliver I was five pounds down from when I got pregnant! A week after she was born I was down thirty pounds! Now, I know you are asking yourself how is that even possible, especially since my kid was almost 8 pounds, 5 ounces! Well, gestational diabetes was a great motivator! As I told the doctor and all the nurses that would give me crap every week that I didn't gain weight... "You can't tell a fat girl to eat better and exerciser and then expect her to gain weight!" Now we are entering the third trimester of pregnancy number 2 and although we are about a week away from finding out the diabetes news, I have not really gained any weight with this pregnancy either. Although we did start eating better and a bit more walking. Knowing I may get diabetes again, even just gestational, has really got me thinking about what is keeping the weight on.
So, here we are! Not that I have any plans of losing weight any time soon. Baby Smith #2 is not due until the beginning of next year! But I'm making a plan. I refuse to call it a New Years Resolution. Those don't work for me and I'm not going to pretend they do. It is going to be a promise to myself. A promise to stop being lazy. Just because I don't think I'm as funny as I used to be doesn't mean I don't like myself! And if I like myself, I sure don't show it in the way I am presenting myself. I still don't have to match. I can wear pigtails if I want. I don't have to be a size 8. I just want to be a better me. I have been referring to myself as the "girl that ate Heidi" for quite a few years now. That's what it feels like to me. I have no intentions of "dieting". I don't think there is a soup or shake that will magically make me like myself. I have every intention of changing my "diet". Don't get it twisted, I plan to eat, and eat well! I like eating... I think food should freaking taste good! I just think the food I make myself, the food I eat, is lazy food, and that needs to change. I need to work on my posture. Not because I need to pretend like I'm thinner than I am. Nana always said if you stand up straight it sucks your stomach in! Better posture is the best outward greeting that I like myself, and that others should like me, or at least know that I don't care if you like me cause I like me! I need to work on my exercise. Never forget Elle Woods "Exercise gives you endorphin's. Endorphin's make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands."
That's the haps folks... My challenge for myself, my promise to myself... It's not a plan to say "I'm going to lose 'x' amount of pounds in 'y' amount of time." It's me saying "I want to like myself again."
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